Monthly Archives: September 2011

The Empty Space

Lately I have really been missing my dog. I mean, I miss her every day, but I go through times when it is worse than usual. Eponine (Eppy to her friends) left a very big space in my heart and life. It sits broad and empty across my soul like a wound in her absence, waiting to be healed and not sure what could heal it now that I’ve discovered I won’t be able to import her.

We’re still in touch with the rescue and determined to remain active helpers, but we may have to wait a while before our next foster, much as it kills me. Between our financial concerns and the current state of our schedules (fella’s back in uni and I’m taking on some classes as a model again), it would take a very strategically laid-back foster dog to make things work. The empty flat is as quiet as the grave. I don’t walk much anymore. My arms are empty. The bed is colder.

And of course, as is not always, but frequently, the case in these times… rescues that would be fabulous dogs for me are coming out and I can’t do anything about it. Our rescue has two dogs that are making me eat my heart out over my inability to apply for them. One in particular is a 7 year old long haired Chi who looks a little bit like Eppy (I admit to a certain partiality toward Papillons and Chihuahuas when it comes to dogs I want to own as opposed to dogs I want to foster, which is more flexible, and dogs I admire, which is nearly all dogs) and sounds as though his personality was tailor made for our needs. For the heck of it I got on Petfinder the other night, thinking it would be harmless fun because I’m not even in the right country to be of any use to any of the dogs… and of course found a little black Chi girl who has been returned to the rescue (!) even though she’s tiny (which a lot of people seem to really like, and I’m not going to lie the tinies tug my heartstrings in the cute department), adorable, and sounds utterly perfect– so she doesn’t like other dogs or kids, and wants to cuddle rather than play? It just so happens that we don’t want kids and almost never see kids, are a one-dog household, and cuddling is the national sport in our house. It can be surprisingly hard to find dogs like this. It’s so easy to find dogs that are active and drivey, less easy to get hold of sensitive cuddlebugs that want to do tricks and spend a lot of time being handled, which are my favorite pastimes. Her eyes… my insides twisted in a knot. That’s what I get for even looking. Petfinder is dangerous.

We really can’t though. Between the money concerns, the current instability of our lives, and the fact that the flat only allows us one dog and I want to keep fostering, we really can’t have a dog of our own until circumstances change a little. Once he’s done with uni, we can get better jobs and move somewhere more pet-friendly.

In the meantime, I think of her and the empty space sits there, and waits.